the dude is the dad.....: November 2018

I went to Peru emotionally tortured, this guy came back

My trip to Peru changed my life.

If you run into me in person upon my return, I think you will see a difference in me, some have said it is in my eyes, some will say its in my energy.
For a guy who has METS to his brain recently, I’m pretty dammed upbeat.
There is a reason for that.

After a messy 2 weeks on the trial drug, the final decision by my medical team was made on Friday Nov 2 at noon. I STARTED packing at 4pm.
I got on the plane that night, loaded up with enough anti-anxiety medications to chill out a horse.

Whatever it was gonna take to get on that plane.
Regina had loaded a movie onto my IPad called “The Mask You Live In”she asked me to watch it.
I did, and I was sucked in hard, I took notes on my phone feverishly.
Essentially it goes after the whole notion of toxic masculinity and the mask that we wear as a result of it.
One of the key points that I walked away with was that it was ok to be vulnerable.

3.5 years ago when I was diagnosed with cancer I drove with Isabella down to Salem Oregon. We went to hear Marcus Luttrell (Lone Survivor) speak.
He said “Being scared Paralyzes you, fear makes you sharp.”
I bought that that shit hook line and sinker.

Guess what!!!! Having cancer in your body and your brain is FUCKING Scary.
Really fucking scary.
Badass Mother Fuckers don’t get scared.
That is what I have been telling myself....
And this whole time I haven’t allowed myself to be scared.
Watch the movie
“The Mask You Live In”
It moved me.
It will move you.
If you want some of what I have got going these days, I strongly suggest that you check it out.

So I landed in Lima and I took off the Bad Ass Mother Fucker Mask.
I didn’t lead with the normal things that I lead with.
No hard edge, although the tattoos on my hands arrived first, I set people at ease.
Yup the tattoos were part of my mask, and they are permanent, but as I learned from some of my new friends, people can look past those things and see me.
So I led with Kindness.
I led with Openness.
I led with Vulnerability.
I led with Humor.
I led with Humility.
Guess what? People liked that guy.

Terri Wingham and the staff of A Fresh Chapter have put together a brilliant program for cancer survivors and patients to help emotionally rebuild themselves. Doses of humility are strong and frequent between our volunteer assignments and the life experiences of our fellow tribe members.

During the first week we went to our volunteer assignments in the morning.

My assignment at a preschool in a barrio blew me away and I was humbled.
In the afternoons and evenings the facilitators led us on exercises that were designed to help us unpack the emotional baggage that we carried. Some predating our cancer experiences. Every single one of us has demons lurking in the closest that we were to face head on.
It was emotional.
It was rough.
We called it “The Crying Game.”
One of these exercises involved us collecting some of the baggage that we carried that either no longer served us or was actually harmful.
Those pieces of baggage were written down on a piece of paper and one by one we each walked to the fire and threw that baggage into the fire.

Here is what Jim Brown burned.
Guilt
Resistance to Spirituality
Numbing with substance abuse.
Shutting down emotionally.
The idea that I am a Fraud.

Damn, dat shit felt good.

Over the first weekend we went on an amazing trip into the Andes mountains.
Friendships that had been developing over the week deepened with flights, bus rides, meals together, quiet talks in the courtyard, and shared amazing experiences.
We saw big mountains, green valleys, and we met amazing people living a humble life.

And then we went to Machu Picchu and once again I was humbled.
I stood in awe, I couldn’t believe I was there, the dream had been realized.
The air was sweet and I sucked in as much as I possibly could.
I wanted that pure sweet air to reach every cell in my body, I wanted it to heal me.
I believe in my heart that it was healing me.
I believe God was healing me.

After a really great weekend in the mountains we returned to Lima.
One of the activities that we did was visit the Ronald McDonald House.
Once again brilliant planning and programming by Terri and her staff.
If you want to seek out and possibly volunteer somewhere in your community, take a look and see if an opportunity exists to to volunteer at a local RMD House.

Programming for the week focused on helping us shape what the future looks like and how we can build it and perhaps have an impact with our story.
Our Hero’s Journey.
I started writing a piece called: “The things I fell in love with last weekend”.
The idea is based on a piece of writing that Regina had sent with me about falling in love with people, places, and experiences.
Over the weekend I had very purposefully tried to live in the moment.
To soak it up and breath it in.
And I fell in love with some stuff and some people.
In a stream of consciousness I started listing out things to write about.
My pen was just doing its thing.
I had made a list and it included specific people and places.
I looked at the list and I was stunned at what I had written as the last item.
Myself.....I had fallen in love with myself.
What? I know it’s kinda weird and it sounds egotistical.
But it’s not, its the opposite of egotistical.
You see I have a saying.
“Jim Brown, no grey area, you either love him or you hate him.”
Well I have spent the large majority of my life hating him.
This probably might not make sense to a lot of you because from the outside I think it probably looks like I have my shit together.
Well....It actually is pretty together but not in my own eyes.
And that is why I have worn the mask for so many years.
The thing that really destroyed me the morning that I wrote those words in that journal is that it took the adversity of cancer for me to come to that realization.
Not just a cancer diagnosis 3.5 years ago, no that wasn’t enough.
It took cancer spreading to my brain for my world to be rocked hard enough to put me in this place. That was a hard truth to face.
But I threw guilt into that fire, so I m gonna embrace this.

I am changed.
I now feel like a wall has been knocked down and that I can love those the closest to me in the way that they need and deserve, the way it should have always been.

I shared the piece of writing that I did with Bella.
I see me in her, I see how hard she is on herself.
I want to stop the cycle.

Watch the movie, it is what kicked off my journey of discovery.
“The Mask You Live In"
You don’t need to get cancer and go to Peru to find the truth about yourself.

So that might have not been what you thought you were coming here to read.

I am good.
I am really good.
I hope we run into each other so you can see it in my eyes and I can tell you about it in person.

Next scan is in a month.
Brain MRI
Chest, Abdomen, Pelvis CT Scan
It’s gonna be ok.

I am a Warrior.
I am a Thrivor.
I am the Exception.
I choose the Miracle.

Prayer requests:
Loralatinib reverses the progression of disease in my brain and bones.
Peace for my family.
Grace from God.

Hold Fast
Jim